Scars

Scars...everyone has at least one visible scar.  But what about the scars that you can’t see: the scars on your heart and your very soul?  Visible scars sometimes fade away with time, the others, they only fade when you are truly able to let go of the reasons they are there in the first place.

Everyone deals with these scars differently, regardless of their visibility.  There are creams out there to make the visible ones go away, but what if there is a positive reason for a scar?  I have a couple of visible scars that I will forever show off, like Merit Badges, the reason for this is because they are there for no other reason but to remind me of my battle for life.  Before I went  through chemo eight years ago (I know!  It so doesn’t seem like it has been that long!) I had a biopsy, this was how we found out what type of cancer I had, that left a 2 inch scar under my right arm.  Then they implanted my power port.  That left another 2 inch scar, this one right below my left collar bone and right above my heart.  When they were finally able to remove the port, they re-opened that scar so that I wouldn’t have another one.

The invisible scars are those left by trauma to our hearts and souls.  Some feel like they will always be there and never go away.  But they do, you just have to figure out how to help them heal and fade away.  My generation and even the generations before were brought up on the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.”  I am hear to tell you that that particular saying is so very wrong.  Bruises fade, bones heal, but hurtful words take a lifetime to get over, well, maybe not a lifetime, but a while.  It’s been 17 years since I got out of a very abusive relationship, it wasn’t physical, just mental and verbal, and I am still healing those scars, but I am finding ways, every day to heal them and make that pain disappear.

I loved to do the surveys on MySpace and every once in a while there would be a question about forgiveness, my standard answer is usually, “Forgiving is the easy part, forgetting is a whole other story.”  However, I have learned that once you let go of past hurts, these scars do heal and they go away and this leaves you in a much happier place.  I still have scars that seem will never fade and once in a while, it feels as if they have re-opened and the hurt is there all over again. These are the times that I feel completely alone, and don’t feel like I have control over my life.  But then I try to push the hurt to the back of my mind and they begin healing again.  Once I no longer think about that pain, and what caused it, that scar heals even more.  As we go through life, there will always be events that add more scars to our hearts and our souls, it is just up to us to help them heal. 

I have been very fortunate in that I have a very large support system.  My friends that I had on MySpace who “carried” me through my treatments, as well as my family, and friends who aren’t cyber-space friends were my support system.  Some of you I will never have the privilege of meeting in person and that in itself causes a small scar on my heart because that part of me would love to thank you face to face for your friendship and your support.

When it seems that you won’t ever be able to make a scar go away, stop and think about what is causing this scar to re-open and hurt all over again.  Put things into perspective, then begin whatever healing process works for you.  I had to learn to just breathe.  When things get to be too much, I stop and just breathe, I focus on the whole aspect of breathing and nothing else because without breathing, what are we?  We are nothing but a corpse.  It may not work for everyone, but it is like the old saying, “Take time to stop and smell the roses”.  Take time for yourself, it is important in the grand scheme of things.  We all need it in one way or another.

Love also helps to heal, whether it is the love of a significant other, a best friend, or the love of your family.  Love is the most powerful emotion that we, as humans, get to experience and I feel sorry for those who will never know the meaning of true love. 

Laughter, yet another thing to help the healing process.  I had to learn to laugh again.  I had let laughter leave my life and when I did laugh, it always seemed to me as if it were forced.  But now, I laugh freely and with all the gusto of life itself.

Love hard and completely, Laugh as if no one were listening, and Live...live life to its fullest because we never know when we will draw that final breath.  And breathe, breathe in the smells of the world good, bad or otherwise. 

Love to all,

~RaveynAngel

The Paranormal, Ouija Boards and the End of Days

What I am about to share with you is my opinion, you may not agree with me, or you may think that I am full of shit for believing this, but it IS my opinion, my belief and if you don’t share my side that’s fine. I don’t mind friendly debate, but please keep it civil.

I am going to start at the beginning, so that you will know where I am coming from and why I have these thoughts. (The first part was included in a blog that I shared called Ouija Boards: My Thoughts and Experiences. https://www.facebook.com/notes/brenda-rene%C3%A8-fulbright/ouija-boards-my-thoughts-and-experiences/1474448729468594 )

It was the summer of 1972, I was almost 5 years old and we were at East Side Baptist Church in Topeka, KS. It was after church and they were having a record/book burning bon fire. (For the record, I now believe these to be wrong, but I do understand how religion works as I was a bona fide preacher’s kid.) A teenage girl walked up to the fire with a board game of some sort and threw it onto the fire, within seconds the fire caught it and I heard an inhuman scream and saw a green flame shoot from the box. I also noticed that no one else reacted; meaning no one else heard or saw what I did. I was confused because I couldn’t figure out what kind of board game would do that. A little while later another teenager had another one just like it and was walking towards the fire. This time I really looked at the box and saw the word Ouija on the lid; I didn’t know what it was and was too timid to ask my dad, who was standing right next to me. Within a few seconds the fire caught it and again, I heard that inhuman scream, but this time, I saw a shape in the blue flame that shot out of the box. I also noticed that again, no one reacted, I’m pretty sure that I am the only one who witnessed these things.

Shortly after that, the movie The Exorcist was released and people went nuts over it. There was a family in our church that went to see it and after a month they still wouldn’t sleep with the lights off. Our preacher, of course, was telling how horrible it was and that no one should go see it. (I feel the need to mention that going to see movies was against their beliefs so of course, they were preaching against it.) I’ve seen the movie, and I happen to love it.

Back in the 80’s, there was a movie made called Witchboard; there was one truth in that movie…well, there were a few, but this one in particular is the “important one”; never ever play with a Ouija board alone. The reason, it doesn’t take but one person to open the portal, but it takes two or more to close it.

In recent years there has been an influx of paranormal movies and ghost hunting shows including one called Ouija. Back in the day, people didn’t talk about ghosts; you would be thought to be crazy if you did; but now it’s pretty awesome if you are a ghost hunter, a medium, or a psychic. I am what’s called a sensitive, I was given the gift of being able to sense spirits, I can tell if they are safe or malevolent, and even if they are male or female; I can also see and speak to them. I have had this ability ever since that bonfire in 1972 or at least that is when it became active.

For the past 10 television seasons there has been an extremely popular show called Supernatural. I’m not going to lie I am a huge fan of the show and the stars. However, I believe that there is a LOT of truth behind this show, that there is fact mixed in with fiction and I will explain why a little bit at a time.

With the explosion in the popularity in the Ouija Board I believe that people are being irresponsible in messing with them.  I was watching Ghost Adventures a while back and in this episode they decided that it would be a good idea to call upon a demon using a Ouija Board. The issue that I had was that they brought in a couple who had already used one to call on this particular demon, Zozo, before. The woman on there was either completely strung out on drugs, or that demon really was there and had possessed her. Now, you may or may not believe in possession, but I believe that it happens.

Now, when you consider all of the people out there who have decided that it’s a cool thing to play with a Ouija or Spirit board alone, you need to think of all of the open portals out there. You may not believe in the paranormal, in ghosts, in demons or angels, but I do. And I believe that the veil between worlds has gotten so totally thin that they are now walking our plane with ease. I also believe that there are those out in the world who are so completely evil that in my mind, the only explanation is that they are possessed.

A while back, I was watching videos on YouTube about “shape shifters” and such, and there were some where you could see the person’s eyes change. I know…I know, that could be a camera flare, lighting issues or it could be manipulated by software, however, a few of the people that were in these videos have been linked to the Illuminati. Do I believe in the Illuminati? Yes, I do. Do I believe that they are Devil worshippers? Sure. Do I think that everyone believes that they exist? No, and I am not going to try to change your mind about it. However, the fact that a specific symbol shows up in numerous music videos, CD covers, etc… is enough to at least make you wonder.

What I am saying is that what if the increased usage of Ouija/Spirit Boards has opened up doorways from Hell to here? What if they really are walking among us? What if people in power have been possessed by demons whose only goal is to destroy our world as we know it? What if the Bible is right…and it is closing in on the end of days? It’s just something to think about.

For the record, I am a Christian, and I do believe in the end of days, I don’t know if it’s near or not, but I will admit that things are definitely a little dicey in our world right now, and I don’t see it changing any time soon.

Encouragement

I am going to “reveal” a few things about myself in this that I wouldn’t normally talk about. I am not doing it for pity, or to get any sympathy; but I am doing this because it is due to this tidbit that I have finally decided on a New Year’s Resolution. My resolution is to be an encourager, to do my best to lift people up and not tear them down. Will I slip up and forget, sure I will, I’m human. But I will just keep persevering because it is important to me.

The thing is that growing up, we all thought that we had figured out what we want to be when we grow up, and for some, their ideas changed daily. Some wanted to be a police officer, or a fire fighter, others wanted to be a rock star, or an artist. And the best thing that you can do when your children go through these phases is to encourage them! When I was in 8th grade, I was in the band, I played the flute (NO JOKES – I’ve heard them all, and the band camp one is the worst because EVERYONE brings that one up.). Anyway, we were each being called into the teacher’s office to discuss whether or not we were going to continue playing in the band in high school. Everyone was so excited because of course we all wanted to. I had held first, second or third chair off and on since 5th grade, and I wasn’t bad; but when I got into the office, he shut the door, sat down, looked me in the eye and said, “You aren’t going to sign up for band in high school are you?” It was the way he said it, like he didn’t want me to…I was heartbroken, but being the person that I was back then, I returned his look, dead in the eye, and said, “Obviously you don’t want me in band in high school, so I don’t think that I will.” I got up, walked out the door and didn’t shed a tear until after class when I hid out in the bathroom, pretended to be sick and went home. I will never forget that moment, and when I told my parents what he had said, they dismissed it as if it was nothing. They didn’t encourage me to practice harder, to prove to him and myself that I was worthy of being in the band, they just dismissed it, they dismissed my heartbreak and they dismissed my tears.

Fast forward to my junior year in high school; I had been in choir all of that time and my boyfriend at the time convinced me to try out for one of the solos in our Christmas Concert, so I did. No one knew that I had a three octave range; that I could sing. After the band incident, I had pretty much turned inward. I kept to myself and kept my head down; completely opposite of what I am now. I got up to try out and even my teacher was shocked, the look on her face made me feel good because I nailed it. I had so many people after class tell me that they didn’t realize that I could sing. The next day the solo was given to someone who had sung solos in our concerts since we were freshmen because the teacher wanted someone who had done it before and she wouldn’t have to worry about me getting stage fright. I looked her in the eye and informed her that the previous summer, at church camp, I had sung a solo in front of 1500 people, so stage fright wasn’t an issue. She didn’t even bat an eye and still gave the part to the other girl. Again I was crushed, but I wanted to sing and I was determined to do it professionally whether I got that damn solo or not. But again when I got home, there was no encouragement to keep going. A year later, while singing a solo at church, I damaged my vocal cords and my three octave range was gone, I can barely do 1 ½ octaves if I’m lucky.

I wanted to go to college, but I didn’t know that there was such a thing as financial aid, my counselor never told me, so I thought that my only option was BBC (Baptist Bible College) where I could have attended for free because my dad was a preacher. And even back then that was NOT happening. But whenever I would mention wanting to go to college, I got nothing. I was told that they couldn’t afford to send me to college, so I just needed to get a job and pay for it myself. It didn’t matter what I wanted to do, it was always met with indifference.

Don’t get me wrong, my parents did the best that they could for us. I don’t think that even they knew anything about financial aid for college. But when I was younger, I felt like no one believed in me, and I think that sometimes that carries over into my adult life because I am constantly second guessing myself, but I am working on that and trying to remain confident.

When my children were growing up, I tried to always encourage them no matter WHAT it was that they were doing, I still do it now. And now, they return that encouragement. I can’t even begin to tell you how it makes me feel that I am finally doing something that my kids can be proud of me for, and they are, and they let me know it!!

Encouragement is something that we all need; not all the time, but when people get down, it’s great to hear someone tell you, “You got this!” or “You can do it!” Sometimes I feel like I am starving for encouragement, but I get over that when I start looking through my pictures on fb and reading the comments.

So for the second part of my resolution; if you are feeling down, or less than confident, and you need some encouragement, or just someone to listen to you, I’m here. I want you all to know that you are fully capable of doing whatever you set your mind to do, never give up, don’t listen to the haters and be confident…you got this!

Boycott WWE Raw for ONE Week

I am calling for a one week boycott of Monday Night RAW. Why? Well, let me explain.

Ever since the brand split, it’s as if the writers for Raw think that they have it made, that they don’t even have to try, while Smackdown has been putting on PPV level matches, offering amazing story lines and now, in the lead up to WrestleMania, they are building the matches and the rivalries and it is rapidly becoming WWE’s Flagship show. Yes, I know what that means and that title can never really be taken from RAW, but I think you get what I am saying.

Raw seems to be skating along, thinking that they can’t be touched while I see more and more of the WWE Universe getting more and more bored with the RAW product. It is so bad to me that I wish that when Finn Balor returns they will put him on Smackdown where he will be booked properly and not underutilized like so many of the “smaller” wrestlers do on RAW.

Honestly I only watch RAW because of a handful of wrestlers, but their storylines are getting weaker and weaker to the point of redundancy. Something seriously has GOT to give. 

My proposal is for everyone in the WWE Universe to boycott RAW for just one week. Just one…and in turn, tune in to Smackdown. Let’s show Vince that we deserve better, that his TALENT deserves better, that the RAW writers need a fire lit under their collective asses and they had better start putting out a better product, one that will give Smackdown a run for their money, or the WWE Universe will keep speaking loud and clear by not saying a word, but by no longer watching RAW. I will miss my favorites, but they do deserve better, SO much better!!